Australian Rules Football: A Pom's Idiots Guide to the AFL.

Footy fever takes over the nation

Today is a huge day in Victoria – the AFL Grand Final between Collingwood and St Kilda. This is Aussie Rules, the only bona fide religion in Melbourne. There is nothing that compares to it in the UK or maybe the world, even the Superbowl doesn’t come close.  

And here’s the proof. Ten thousand fans turned up for Collingwood’s pre match training session yesterday. One hundred thousand lined the streets in Melbourne yesterday for the pre match parade. Yes, that’s the pre match parade. Festivals are held in Melbourne to co-incide with it. School Holidays are planned around it. Kids were allowed to wear their footy shirts on the last day of school. The Age - the serious national newspaper - features the Grand final as its front page story (out of respect all other sports have been dumped from today's edition.) There hasn’t been a single conversation over the past week with an Australian that doesn’t start with “so who do you want to win?”

Footy has a strong heritage.

It’s customary to watch the game with friends round a Barbie. Thankfully we’ve been invited to one, where there will be an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman. And that's no joke.

So onto my final pre match preparation. Matchday Special Supplement. CHECK. Veggie Burgers. CHECK. Slab of beer CHECK. Vague understanding of the Rules.... er, FAIL. Damn it, I better get a grip and fast. I am giving myself fifteen minutes to become an expert. Here goes:

1)   Though the AFL call it the world’s greatest game, that’s probably an overstatement.  No one else really plays it or understands it. And then it’s focused on Melbourne, which provides ten of the seventeen teams in the league. Therefore it might be more apt to call it Melbourne’s greatest game.

2)   Poms may call it Aussie Rules, but it’s simply called football in Victoria, or footy to be precise. Just to confuse things a little, both the round ball version of football and Rugby League are also called football. It’s played with a rugby ball, which is called a football. Mmmm.

3)   The pitch is called an Oval and is bloody huge  - up to 165m x 150m. A soccer pitch is about 100m long. They play most of the games at the MCG cricket ground to give you some idea of the size. That’s a lot of extra running. That’s probably why there are 18 players in a team and you can use up to 4 subs as much as you want. Players look like they could collapse from exhaustion after the game and the lifespan of a player is normally around eight years compared to fifteen years for a soccer player. Soccer players really need to stop complaining about being 'tired' from too many games. The wimps.

4)   Players can move the ball by hand or foot forwards, backwards or sideways. Anything goes. They occasionally bounce it too. Really not sure why, because the ball isn't even round.

5)   Aussie women also love the game. That might be because there is no offside. (see point 10 below for other reasons why...)

6)   The game is divided into four quarters, with one quarter consisting of 20 minutes plus time-on. The clock stops when play stops so games can last longer than two hours. This gives the fans even more time to drink beer.

You can never hit the cross bar.

7)   Of course the idea is to score more total points than the opposition. There are four posts at each end. You score a goal (six points) when you kick through the two tallest white posts (goalposts). A point is scored when you kick it between the tall and outer small posts. A winning team will probably score 100 points in a game. Thankfully there’s a scoreboard at the ground or you would lose count. 

8)   It’s all about marks. A mark is when a player catches the ball directly from the kick of a team mate without it touching the ground. The receiving player then has a few seconds uncontested to decide whether to pass or kick at goal.

Easy, I can do it with my eyes closed.

9)   The high mark is actually what makes the game. The ball is punted high and long by a midfield player towards goal and a melee of big blokes jump up to grab it. It is pretty sensational when it happens. There are some huge leaps and amazing falls. It helps to be tall. A lot of players also excel at basketball... maybe there’s an opening somewhere for me.

10)  Men wear sleeveless vest and super tight shorts. Another reason why women love the game. Plus the men are all built like trucks, which I think they eat for breakfast. They definitely look turbo charged. You sometimes see them in glossy magazine without their clothes and posing in budgie smugglers.   

11) The Umpires must be accomplished performers. They have to deliver their signals with serious pomp. You may have seen the two handed arm thrust which signifies a goal. Their best move is the overhead chuck which they do for a throw in. They hurl it 30 meters in the air, and 30 meters back over their heads. Somehow I can’t see Jeff Winter doing this.

12) Its serious fun. Bring it on.