The Best Road Signs of Melbourne, Australia - They are legendary.

May 2011, Melbourne, Victoria. 

Australians have plenty to say, and say it they must. Whether it be over a coffee, down the footy, or through their road signs, which is my personal favourite.  They never miss an opportunity to say it in words, even when there really isn't any need. Still, it can be good for a laugh. Here's a few I've come across in the past year or so:


10. Warning Signs.
The all-time Aussie classic. You can find a sign warning you to be careful of just about any marsupial on the roads in Victoria from Kangaroos to Koalas, all of them as cute as you like and worthy of adorning a postcard. The poor critters themselves are threatened by the common Bogan, a semi nocturnal creature identified by their Ute, wife beater vest and VB stubby. They haven't got round to creating warning signs for these moronic beasts yet. If they did, then the roads would be a much safer place for people and kangaroos alike. I like this sign, it's full of good intentions. But last time I checked Kangaroos could neither read nor use phones.

9. Railways make me Cross.

In general Melbourne is an advanced and developed metropolitan city. They have benefited from a host of the world's best engineers and designers since the Victorian times. Apart from bridge builders. They seemed to forget importing any with the ten pound poms or the convicts. So if you are crossing the city in any of the inner suburbs, your journey is likely to be delayed at some point by a train of all things. There are a hundreds of level crossings all over the place. It can drive even the most ardent train spotter potty. That would include me. Especially when a a freight truck idles by pulling one hundred and twenty two carriages - yes I counted them. It took fifteen minutes.


8. You Bloody Idiot.
This sign appears all over Victoria and has been around since 1990. It has been recently complimented with 'Only a little bit over? You bloody idiot.' I think it has split public opinion over the use of a common swear word in a public safety campaign - how far should you take it after all (see number 2 below.) But it makes me laugh every time I see it, as it says a lot about Aussie culture - unpompous, unceremonious, minimal use of words of more than one syllable, and foul mouthed. And usually drunk. Love them guys.


7. Drive on the Left, please.
This is commonly seen on the Great Ocean Road and sends me into a state of panic each time I see it. This is one of the most iconic roads in the world, hugging the cliffs and coastline of the Great Southern Ocean, and the road can be both stunning and terrifying at times. It's not very wide, and has more than its fair share of blind corners. The thought of an old Japanese lady in a tiny hatchback coming round the corner in the wrong lane isn't a pleasant one. The most scary thing here is it obviously happens, judging by the sheer number of these signs and therefore we can dismiss is as not just another piece of Aussie xenophobia. Or are there there to remind the bogans which country they are in when they're pissed?

6. Stay calm if you see a snake. Please.
Yeah, right. This is a sign in Hobsons Bay just round the corner from our house. I would like to say that you generally only see these signs out in the bush, or sand dunes, or other remote places. Not so. There is one about 20 meters from our house by the wetlands. At the same time it's both reassuring and amazing how many Australians you speak to who have never seen a snake. Especially when you consider the fact that I have seen three in less than a year. I can absolutely confirm I didn't follow any of this advice when I saw the last two. We had walked slightly off path for a start. I then didn't remain calm, in fact I jumped in the air and screamed. There were two of them for Christ sakes, less then three meters away, and to top it all off I am colour blind and they could have been the deadly Brown snake. So yes, I broke the third bit of advice too, I happily disturbed it by making as much noise as possible and they buggered off.  


5. Beware Swooping Birds
They should have had one of these signs outside the Roxy in Bury on Friday nights. It might have saved me a lot of bother. This sign actually refers to birds of the feathered variety, Magpies no less. I came across it on the Bellarine Railtrail, AFTER I had already been attacked by the flying squad for a full two kilometres when I was on my round the bay bike ride. I am not sure what I would have done to protect myself if I had seen the sign beforehand to be honest. Still, as if it isn't enough to have deadly snakes, spiders, and sharks all around us - the bloody Magpies are aggressive too. Apparently it's common during the mating season and happened again to us a few weeks later in the Brisbane Ranges. Funny, but actually quite scary when it happens.

4. Wrong Way, stupid.

They could have put a no entry sign, but back to the point I made earlier, they really do like to say it in words. These signs are on every slip road from a Freeway. Hopefully you will never ever see one. If you do and you're driving, chances are you're about to cause a twelve car pile up so enjoy your last breath. Same comment as the 'drive on the left' sign. If you don't get it before you switch the ignition on, you're doomed. And we are too probably.


3. Local Police are now targeting crime.
Shock horror. They have these signs in high traffic areas, and they add on specific crusades at the bottom, such as Drink Driving, or Speeding, or being a dickhead (see below.) I am guessing a local hoon wanted them to examine overweight ladies too in this particular area, and that it wasn't the police but you never know. The sheer stupidity of the signs make me laugh. What happened to multi tasking? Can you not focus on all law breaking activity at once please? Why would you let a guy doing 100km/h drive past you, just because you're targeting drivers who aren't wearing their seat belts. I also don't understand why they would warn us first, or are they again targeting bogans counting on the fact they probably can't read.

2. Don't be a Dickhead.

Brilliant. The ad agency clearly wanted to go one better than the bloody idiot campaign. I think it's safe to say they achieved it. The TV campaign went further still, showing a girl giving the camera the finger. It drew a lot of criticism from the public and government opposition but I liked it, simple and to the point. I look forward to the 'stop being a twat, avoid skinny jeans' campaign coming to Melbourne soon. I hate the 'T' word, but hopefully you get the point. Besides it's obviously perfectly OK to publish that in Australia, as endorsed by the government. As long as you're not driving at the same time.



1. The Classic Hook Turn.

The winner by a knock out, mainly due its absolute uniqueness. The infamous hook turn. It was introduced so that traffic didn't hold up the trams. But there are a lot of trams in Melbourne, which means a lot of hook turns. The sign says it all, right turn from the left only. Hmmmm. Think about it for a second. Confused? Well here's the official advice:

"Once you need to turn right and you see the hook turn sign, move as quickly as you can to the leftmost lane. On the green light, move forward on this lane to a point where you can turn right into the correct lane on the road you wish to enter" 

If you're new to Melbourne, you're probably in a state of panic by now. It gets worse....

"At this point, you're blocking traffic from the left. But that's all right because they're stopped on the red light. When this red light turns green, turn right quickly into the street you want to go. The stopped traffic that was earlier on your left then follows you on the green light"

Basically, what it's saying is this. Don't ever take your car into the city, catch a tram. Or if you choose to drive, just never turn right, it's much more straightforward. You may never get to where you want to go, but at least you'll live.