Kobe Bryant... and other Sports Stars I hate.

The two-time reigning NBA champions the LA Lakers were emphatically dumped out of the NBA playoffs this week, hammered 4-0 by the Dallas Mavericks, and I loved every second of it. I don't have anything against the Lakers, indeed Magic Johnson has long been my all time favourite player and the 80's Lakers my favourite team, it's just that I can't stand Kobe Bryant, their self proclaimed superstar.

Before you go there, this isn't just another pop at an overpaid prima donna sportsman: it has nothing to do with the amount of money he earns - I genuinely believe that the players should be the ones who take the money out of professional sports and not the franchises, especially if they have talent, and Kobe has it in bucketloads. It's 100% about the man. He is not on his own, he joins a fine a list of sports superstars who I really don't like:

1. Kobe Bryant: Firstly, he stands for everything I hate about one shot offence players: the arrogance & selfishness to think that it's ok. Even his coach says he's uncoachable. And it's boring. Unless you're Mike. Mate, you're not even from the same planet. Secondly he's a bully. Shaquille O'Neal, one of the 'best teammates in the world', had to make way for Kobe's ego. Finally, he was at the centre of a very publicised rape allegation. He settled out of court. Say no more. We are not talking about a nice man. Hopefully this will be the beginning of the end Worst Crime: being an extremely talented baller: otherwise he'd be locked up.

2. Christiano Ronaldo: I saw a lot of him play when he first came to United as an 18 year old, courtesy of my then employer having seldom used season tickets. I loved him. What a breath of fresh air. Now he makes my skin crawl.  He has more skill than the rest of the football world combined (Messi apart), why does he waste so much time rolling around on the on the floor, trying to get players booked or sent off, or pulling looks of pain and astonishment to any camera that is near him. It's embarrassing, and it should be beneath you. Have you never seen yourself on TV, you muppet? You should be ashamed. Worst Crime: that wink at the 2006 World Cup.

3. Tiger Woods: Long before the infidelities and fall from grace, did anyone actually like Tiger anyway? Celebrated the world over for his golf talent, you still got the feeling he wouldn't stop to sign an autograph for a one-armed-golf-mad-teenage-orphaned-tsunami-victim if he couldn't get an endorsement out of it. I once followed a round of his at the Dubai Open. He almost killed a fan with a death stare, when he dared take a photo. Talk about cold. Brrrr. Worst Crime: the most insincere apology the world has ever seen.

4. Harbajan Singh: in the good corner of Indian Cricket we have Sachin Tendulkar, the ideal player, pro, diplomat and role model. In the bad corner we have Harbie, known in India as ''Bhajji'' (spicy), and never a truer word said. Oh my. He could find a reason to have an argument with his shadow. And he'd accuse it of being racist. The 'turbanater' is never far from controversy, whether angering fellow Sikhs by endorsing whiskey without his turban on, riling the normally reserved Mathew Hayden enough to call Harbie an "obnoxious weed" on live radio, or by slapping Punjab paceman and Indian team-mate Sreesanth in the face in the IPL. That one earned him a season ban.  I just think he's bonkers and spoils whichever game he plays in with his childish antics. Worst Crime: making a 'monkey' comment at Andrew Symonds. Harbie, the guy would eat you for breakfast.

5. Michael Schumacher: In 1994 Schumacher won the world championship by forcing both himself and Damon Hill off the track. He claimed it was an accident. Not even his mum believed him. No championship is worth cheating for. But amazingly he did it again in 1997, this time crashing into Jacques Villeneuve when he tried to pass him. Thankfully on this occasion,Villeneuve carried on to win the title - and Schuey was stripped of his second place by the FIA, and vilified by all.  Funnily enough. nobody felt sorry for him, which tends to happen anyway when you're German, but especially so when you're a cheating German. Worst Crime: His 1994 crash with Damon Hill, unforgivable. 


6. David Campese: Player of the Tournament at 1991 World Cup, as dashing a winger as you could find, the Aussie flyer was a rugby God. What I don't understand about him is that even in retirement he manages to spend almost all his time bad mouthing England. Which is why I hate him. He even did it when we won the World Cup in 2003, and thankfully he had to eat his words. Or at least wear them anyway. He had rashly promised to walk down Oxford Street with a sign saying 'the best team had won', if England indeed won the Cup, he felt it so unlikely. To his credit, he went through with it.  Worst Crime: declaring himself the world's 'first rugby millionaire', when the sport was still amateur. Arrogant git. "I'm still an amateur, of course, but I became rugby's first millionaire five years ago." - David Campese (1991)


7. Jose Mourinho:  Jose was actually quite entertaining when he first came to England, and his accent was easier to understand than Sir Alex's. Then he went a bit Eric Cantona and David Icke on us, no mention of 'seagulls & sardines' or being the 'son of god', but he did find it necessary to proclaim that he was the 'Special One.' It all went downhill from there. Couldn't the UN issue a gagging order on him or something for humanitarian reasons to spare us? Ronaldo and Mourinho deserve each other. Real just need to sign Drogba to make it a dream team of morons. The comedy version of The Special One however is a treat (click the video below.) Worst Crime: you've seen the Real / Barcelona semi final, right?

8. John Terry: where do you start? How on earth this man got to be England captain once, never mind twice, is a mystery to me. Abuse of American tourists the day after 9/11, involvement in nightclub fights leaving doormen seriously injured - the perfect CV for the skipper's job. Tell you what, now you have the job make us proud. Go on son, sleep with your best mate's ex wife after winning Dad of the Year and telling your family 'they mean everything to you.'  Then tout tours of Wembley with the England captain for ten grand, why don't you. Even the old farts at the FA moved quickly to sack him. That should have been the end of it. Not so fast.  Fast forward twleve months, all is forgiven, and he's re-instated. That will teach him. The decision the second time around is even more ridiculous, and I don't just mean because a leopard can't change his spots - he's now crap at football as well. They really are leaving the door open for Wayne Rooney to get the job one day. Needless to say, me and the rest of the non Chelsea supporting football world loved it when he missed the Champions league penalty in the final against United. Worst Crime: if you going to sleep with a Chelsea player's wife, pick Cheryl Cole, you idiot.

HONORABLE EXCLUSION
David Beckham: if you had asked me before the England v Greece World Cup qualifier at Old Trafford in 2002, Becks would have been a dead cert for my list. His obsession with changing his hair every two weeks would have been reason enough, had he not also stolen my nickname without asking. I think this game marked a turning point for Goldenballs, who single-handedly won qualification for England. He was unbelievable - you had to be there to fully appreciate it. That proved to me he was actually all about the football and the team, not just the glamour, and therefore he is excluded.  Worst Crime: apart from the fashion faux pas, his worst crime was not punching Sir Alex's lights out when he had a boot thrown at him in 2003.