Ex Pat Life: Emergency Clothes deliveries from Marks & Sparks

An emergency relief package was express airlifted into our house this week. No the floods hadn't reached Victoria, there weren't any bush fires, or cyclones, or any other natural disasters. It was a delivery from Marks & Spencer's. And yes it was urgent.

'Hello 999?' 'Yes help me. Can you give me the number for Marks & Sparks please?'


I am not sure of the exact day I turned into my parents, maybe it was a gradual metamorphosis that went unnoticed for a while, before nonetheless I have woken up to find myself fully versed in the gospel of St Michael. Maybe it's a spiritual rite of passage that all British expatriates go through approaching their fifth year overseas - a subliminal calling from the motherland.

It could be any of these that explained the excitement that gripped us when the parcel finally arrived. Yes, we were excited and had been in a state of dejection with each day that passed that it hadn't arrived. Surely M&S wouldn't let us down, we, its loyal servants? But late it was, more than ten long days so.

The box was not carrying a treasure of luxurious cashmere pullovers, fine silk ties, pashmina scarves, or hand stitched leather shoes; it unveiled long sleeve vests, socks, undies, more vests, jumpers, and a woolly scarf. And yet we were still ecstatic to receive these staples into our home.

Which of course on reflection is all very sad.

It really does highlight just how bad the shopping is in Melbourne. God help the rest of Australia, as Melbourne is apparently the best of the rest by a mile.

I can't speak for the women but if you're a man you have the following to choose from:

Bonds Undies: the equivalent of picking up your 'Y' fronts at Bury market, except the market would still probably be Marks' seconds and better quality. And cost about fifteen times less. You also wouldn't have to visit a Myer store, which has followed the 'are you being served' operating model down to a T. Had John Inman been 'free' and sadly not dead, I am pretty sure they would had him booked in to open their new flagship store in Bourke Street. It was a satirical sitcom not best practice guys, c'mon. I had a job interview with Pacific Brands many moons ago, the company that manufactures Bonds. The human resources woman told me she 'had nothing for me at present.' I said 'I know, that's why I'm here.' She never did call back.

Pumps: not those fancy Reebok old school shoes with an air inflator on the tongue (that would be cool), but those nasty little plimsoll things you used to wear in primary school for gymnastics. They wear them at all times. I picked up a pair during our Fijian holiday, and have been laid up with Plantar Fasciitis ever since. If you don't know what that is, it's a rather painful inflammatory process of the inner heel. Never heard of it? Me neither but when I mention it to plimsoll wearing Aussies they all nod in unison with sympathetic acknowledgement.

Shorts: anytime of the day, any day of the week, any season of the year. To put that into perspective, not all of Australia has a warm climate. Victoria where we live could best be described as temperate, and that is generous. It was two degrees centigrade yesterday morning when I left for work. It's winter and its bloody cold. We have penguins off the bay in St Kilda for christ's sake, and they aren't here to sun bathe. So why do shops still have shelves full of them, and one in three males are still wearing them. Maybe the school system is to blame - after all you see thousands of kids each day in blazer, tie, shirt, black shoes knee length socks, and .... Shorts. This is cute on a 7 year old, but should be illegal for 18 year olds....

Fluorescent T-Shirts & Fleeces: You see blokes of all ages wearing these high visibility and high fashion items absolutely everywhere. They don't have a 'I'm 100% Aussie Beef' plastered across the front but they may as well have. There is a rumour that they are tradies. However, you never see them do any work, and you see the shirts (you can't miss them after all) down the pub, in the coffee shop and all around town. You can also buy them in high street stores. So they are obviously fashionable and worn with pride. There is a facebook page called 'I hate those Fluorescent yellow shirts that tradespeople wear.' I think I will join.

Skinny Jeans: These are so tight, they should come with a health warning for male fertility. The opening can be as small as 9". I am not a mathematician, but size 13 into 9" surely doesn't go. Just to clarify, that's leg opening I am referring to. And they have spandex in them as well. That's three pretty good reasons why only women should wear them. Or Steve Tyler, who is a bit of both. To pull the look off a man has to be equivalent of a female size 6 and have long hair, plus wear pumps with no socks. So basically you do actually have to be a woman to carry it off. I'll stick with the boot cuts thanks.

So until something changes, I will be surfing www.marksandspencer.com/helpmeIliveinAustralia at all times. Delivery is only £15 quid, and would be fast if the postie at this end didn't refuse to get on his 1970s scooter in his plimsolls, shorts, and fluorescent vest whenever it gets a bit chilly.