Commuting by Train in Melbourne - How chewing gum (almost) led to Murder on the Limited Express

May 2011, Melbourne.


Commuting is a horrible part of being a 9 to 5 lifer like me. Some days are better than others, and today was a bad day. I swear I could have killed a man on the train this morning. It wouldn't have been self defence, as he hadn't threatened me with violence. I couldn't have pulled an ASBO on him, because even though he was playing music ridiculously loud through his Dr Dre ear mufflers, I quite liked his tunes. The fact that he was a personal space invader amazingly didn't rile me too much either - besides I got my own back by kicking his ruck sack into some spilt coffee. I was nearly pushed over the edge by his skinny jeans and long pointy shoes, but I hung on in there with some deep breathing exercises.


No, sadly it was none of these things that almost made me a homicidal maniac. It was chewing gum. His chewing of said gum to be precise. And when I say he was chewing gum, I mean he was slapping it around his mouth every other second whilst leaving his big gob open for all to see, and the sound to reverberate freely around the train carriage but mainly straight into my ear drum.

I first noticed it at Newport. By Footscray I was becoming highly irritable. Come north Melbourne, I had planned a deadly come uppance. I don't want to go into too much detail for fear of implicating myself should I go through with it if I sit next to him again. All I can tell you was that it involved a tub of Wrigleys extra, some heavy duty tape, an open train door, and a rather large size 12 footprint on his rear.

Thankfully, he got off voluntarily at North Melbourne, and didn't need my help. I had no idea just how annoying gum chewing could be. Disgusting.

I really don't like Mondays. Reason number two hundred and fourteen.