A Survivor's Guide to Riyadh

In a poll of the top ten dullest cities in the world, it's a possibility that Riyadh could fill all ten positions. If your boss ever hints that it would be a good opportunity to develop the market there, I strongly suggest you start working on your excuses now. Or resign. If that's a bit drastic, and you're all out of excuses, I can offer you this survivor's guide as a last resort.


The problem is this. The capital of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia really doesn't have anything going for it. In its defence, It's not helped by geography, being landlocked in one the most arid and barren desert landscapes going. Nor by the intense heat. It also doesn't have a river or coastline: the second city of Jeddah has the Red Sea, Al Khobar has an escape route to Bahrain - nature wasn't kind to Riyadh, it gave it nothing to work with.

The rest of its issues though are self inflicted. Strict Muslim conservatism bars everything that could possibly lead to having any fun whatsoever. The mutaween strictly enforce this under the pretence of being religious police. They are a trigger happy bunch and you should keep well clear. My suggestion is to avoid smiling at all times.

There are also a whole bunch of complexities around the fairer sex. You can't be alone with a female who isn't your wife or a close relative if their husband isn't present. All women must wear the traditional abaya, can't work or drive and must be accompanied by a man at all times. If you are introduced to a local's female relatives, under no circumstance offer a handshake - you will cause a riot. My suggestion here is to run like mad if and when you see a woman.

Now that the scene is set, you may understand the need for a survival guide a little better, so here it is:

1) Delay, delay, delay This is your last chance to get out of it, so work harder! Meeting cancellations, unrest in the Middle East, no seats on the planes due to the annual Hajj Express, the GFC, a fake domestic crisis in the office you just have to fix, leave no stone unturned. If you have to use your 'get out of jail' card, blame problems with your visa application. It's a plausible excuse. The government officials are notoriously inept and make the keystone cops look like crack commandos. However a word of warning: use this tactic wisely as it only works once - chances are the buggers in your office will replace your original single entry visa with a multiple entry six months visa to avert future problems or just to punish you. Then you're really screwed.

2) The 3G Express Plan If you have to go, Get in, Get it over with, and Get out as quickly as possible. Don't stay overnight, don't pack a bag, hell don't even tell your wife you're going. With the right planning and fleet of foot, you could be back home in time for sun downers. Tell yourself its just another meeting in the city. Morning flight, a mid morning meeting, a friendly decline of your hosts offer of lunch, followed by a race back to the airport. With a touch of good fortune, you could be home by 6pm. Greet the family, eat dinner, act normal and go to bed. Try to forget it ever happened.

3) Evening Survival You have landed yourself an overnighter in Riyadh. You don't have a friendly colleague to do to dinner with so you have eaten room service. There's no booze to drown your sorrows in as its illegal. Cinemas are banned too. You have been forced to drink so much dreadful Arabic coffee all day, you can't face a coffee shop. You've exhausted your list of emails to catch up on, and people to call. You switch on the TV, and there's no football, just Al Jazeera running non stop propaganda news stories in Arabic. It's one hundred and twenty degrees Celsius outside and the pavement is melting. Dear God, help. You have three options: stay in your room and cry, jump in a cab and head for an air conditioned shopping mall (yes, you're desperate), or work on a cunning plan to get away with ....

4) Contraband I can't officially confirm or deny this has ever been done, nor condone it. But allegedly it happens. At your home airport buy one small bottle of vodka and one small bottle of Evian. Go into the toilet cubicles and transfer vodka to into Evian bottle. Best you empty said Evian bottle first. Place your newly created Evian cocktail contraband into your hand luggage. Proceed onto flight as normal. At Riyadh customs sweat profusely as you contemplate solitary confinement in a rat infested cell for the rest of your life. Exit customs and collapse with relief. Go to your meetings. Enjoy an Evian sponsored vodka and tonic in the safety of your hotel room with a sense of moronic achievement whilst shouting 'Freeeeedomm' at the top of your voice.

5) Be a Woman. You won't be allowed in anyway. Check your birth certificate to see if you qualify just in case.